


One Foot On Sea, One On Shore

by brieflybe



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Character Death, coda: 2x06, mentions of depression, mentions of suiside, reposted from a different pseudonym
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 22:27:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4978957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brieflybe/pseuds/brieflybe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing is – it's not a peaceful kind of quite, it's the quite at the dead of the night. And in the past, maybe Kieren would have tried not to wake anyone up, but he doesn't care anymore. Coda to 2x06.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Foot On Sea, One On Shore

**Author's Note:**

> So I finished watching the show and then I had a lot of feelings. It's dedicated to Yael because she's awesome and I love her. This fic was translated from Hebrew by the amazing lettiesocean. That's her tumblr: http://lettiesocean.tumblr.com

They're always stepping on her grave. Roarton returned to its British roots – at least for a little while. Their stupid Greek tragedy has ended with Amy's sacrificing, and everyone is awfully quite. Kieren isn't ready for the next storm, but he also doesn't really care. Simon seems to be constantly looking over Kieren's shoulder, his eyes flickering like an electric current, his lips thin. He's aimless, but it seems to Kieren that he's warmer – as if he knows the meaning of warmth in his condition (like trying to hold on to an emotion that keeps slipping away) – but they're in Amy's bungalow and everything is sealed in her fingerprints, and he's thinking about how she was always shaking, lately, and he's trying to stay close.

The thing is – it's not a peaceful kind of quite, it's the quite at the dead of the night. And in the past, maybe Kieren would have tried not to wake anyone up, but he doesn't care anymore. He says it over Amy's grave and against Simon's neck. He says it to Rick, every once in a while, when he thinks he's dreaming. Kieren is the Zombie who managed to fight the Blue Oblivion. Kieren is the zombie that his boyfriend jumped in front of a bullet to protect. Kieren became a famous PDS, and he refuses to talk to the media, and sometimes he refuses to talk at all.

***

 

He's tired of miracles. Kieren was a homosexual in a god-fearing town, and now he's undead in a god-fearing town, and the truth is that god and his demands are exhausting, and thinking about the apocalypse instead of just living seems pointless. The halo of sanctity that used to surround Simon has faded away as well. He kisses Kieren and Kieren hears the noise their teeth make when they clash against each other, and the noise Simon's throat makes when he attempts what would seem, if he was alive, as sucking in air. Sometimes it's depressing. Because he can remember Rick's lips – the sensation, the urgency, how good they felt. Simon has a dead person's lips and blind hands and eyes that are the Big Bang and Kieren isn't sure how you can call them monsters, because all they do is move according to outbursts of emotion - because that's what's left, replacing their nervous system.

He's tired of miracles, but it seems as if his bones are stronger. Simon's nails leave crescent-shaped marks on his skin, and sometimes he can recall the ache of the prick. He thinks, this is how it feels when there's no fog in your head. The grief is sharp and bright.

If Rick's death was like a knife to the stomach, Amy's death felt like twisting that knife around. On that day, he returned to his room, and straightened Simon's crumpled painting with his fingers, and thought of the purpose of wars you cannot win.

He's tired of miracles, but Simon looks at him as if he was one (Simon, who used to throw the word 'special' around as much as people spoke about the weather, but seemed to genuinely mean it this time. Simon, who joined with Amy to carry out a mission he isn't willing to talk about, who lived for the prophet and then left him, who just likes to hung around Kieren now).

 

He holds Kieren's hand and places his thumb where pulse used to beat and he calls him beautiful and says that he mean it. As if everything Kieren does is abnormal, and sometimes Kieren's afraid of him, or at the very least – afraid of that look. As if Kieren is his the answer to some important question. Kieren has never felt like he belonged to some superior race, he – well, he thinks that holding time is nice, he thinks that the opportunity to live again is a gift, he thinks that Amy was the most beautiful thing the world had to offer. At dinner, Jem says that "your boyfriend looks like a bloody vampire", and Kieren thinks that Simon is amazing, thinks about the way he smiles and how comfortable he feels inside his own transparent skin, and how he helped Kieren feel the same way. He thinks –

About mousse and chemicals and contact lenses, and how all of the undead have the exact same blue in their eyes. About trying to touch something and feeling like a ghost walking through a wall, not eating the roast he likes, climbing on a carrousel at the park while Amy pretends, feeling the leverage but not the wind. He thinks about –

Rick. One hundred percent dead and leaning against his garage door. About how he got him back and lost him again, and about how you can miss love once, and learn your lesson and prepare for your next fight, but the universe will still kick you out the door.

That's it, okay? That's just it. It's just life – not in the sense of breathing, but existing. They're not better or worse, they're pale and they stretch out like gum, and they’re his, and he has the right to live them.

***

So he lives, and he gets to think about the tragedy of being exiled to the ground twice. He sits by her grave and strokes his scars, and sometimes it feels like they hurt again, and sometimes he closes his eyes and everything flashes back – the darkness of the cave wraps around him like a blanket and his throat closes because someone smothers the inside of his skull, and he can't see the blood, and he can't see Rick, and he doesn't want –

Sometimes he thinks about it.

Sometimes he wakes up and calls Simon, and he's crying – except he doesn't have any tears, and the way he pants aimlessly becomes a panic attack. He can't tell the difference between the physical and the mental, in moments like these. The blackness in his chest spreads into his flesh.

Simon will come see him the next day, and Kieren will kiss him in a way that might have caused him to bleed if he had any blood, and will place his hand on Simon's back and will sink his nails into the skin and will try to get closer, and closer, as much as he can, unbuttoning Simon's shirt and resting his head on his chest and listening to demonstrative way his heart doesn't beat. He can't extract any body heat from Simon, but he can absorb his fighting spirit. He absorbs the trip to the United States which hasn't given him any answers and the family he never talks about and the grief over Amy that's in both of their eyes, glossy and sealed like their contact lenses. He absorbs his faith in something that is Kieren, and something beyond.

(Only, Simon seems to stay in Roarton against both of their common senses. He seems as if he's preparing himself for a second round, driven by the mere force of inertia– no verses, no prophets, but head first into a wall – and sometimes, he looks like Rick used to look, attaches his lips to Kieren's hair as if he loves him so much and he is so very sorry, as if he's holding many things in his chest, and the feeling of déjà vu Sends shivers down Kieren's spine.)

***

They're walking on her grave, but it's okay, because they came to visit. Kieren bends over the earth and Simon lays a hand on his shoulder, and it seems to him that they're both thinking something dumb and depressing, like: This is my fault (although she has forbidden them to do so in her will). The tiger Phillip put there is gone, so he got her a new one, and Kieren got her an elephant, and Simon brought a zebra, and they're huddled in a group in the shadow of her tombstone, covered in dirt. They don't come when Philip comes. It's like… a train wreck. It's too much.

Kieren says, for the fifth time, "She stabbed her in the heart. It wasn't supposed to kill her."

Simon bites his lip, for the fifth time, and refrains from comment for the third. Philip, despite Kieren's attempts, refuses to talk about it as well. He nods his head and he says he doesn't want to cause any more trouble, and he says that he cannot talk about her (other than the fact that if you buy him a beer and allow him to start talking, he won't stop). But Kieren heard someone say: "her eyes had a human color" and someone else was saying, "that's because she was wearing contacts, you idiot." And then, "she ate," and he's not sure what happened with her, why she chose to play 'human', but he can't help but wonder if that's what marked the target above her head – for the universe, for… he doesn't know. Simon doesn't like it, but Kieren investigates. Simon looks at Kieren as if he's the one the target is floating above.

He closes his eyes and thinks of a longing too strong for him to live with, and then opens them at once. He sees Simon, and hears a gunshot, and feels the monster taking hold of his head, growing arms as thick as branches. Simon said he had never seen anyone beat the Blue Oblivion before.

***

"It's lucky she was crazy, you know –" he swallows hard. "Can you imagine if she would have stayed? After I turned rabid and tried to attack innocent people?"

Simon arches his eyebrows. "She was crazy?"

"She wasn't?"

"She wanted her little brother to live."

"Yes, but –"

"I would have done the same for you."

He doesn't know what to say, so he puts his hand on his chest, for a moment, because it seems like something hurts, because he can't tell the difference.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons.  
> You can find me on tumblr right [here!](http://briefly-be.tumblr.com/)


End file.
